Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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