I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
