How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
