you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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