highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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