Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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