My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
