my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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