He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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