Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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