The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
