Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
