I must be too annoying 4 u.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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