Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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