I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
