Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
