The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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