He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
