I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
