I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
