he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
