Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
