i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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