Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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