My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
