I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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