I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
