I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
