I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
