Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
