I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
This is classic penis vs brain.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
