A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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