your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
