Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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