True but thats because hes a fetus.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
