so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Watching her eat just hurts me
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
