there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So much rum. So many feels.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
