My first STD was from a foam party
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
