It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
