i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
