At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I need to sanitize my soul.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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