ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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