Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
