Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
