Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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