This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
