I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
