his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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