It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
