So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
