I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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