never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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